The next morning

It's so easy to get caught up in the bewitching time.  Morning came around and I couldn't help but wonder how I feel so amazing and in love with life as I drift off to sleep and awake cursing the day.  Why do I feel the polar opposite of when I put my head on the pillow?  The question is answered (well to my question of if I still want to do this).  Yes!  This is getting crazy!  Health and better mornings... I'm coming for you!

The magic of two am

So it's 2am.  I'm energetic!  Happy! Thinking clearly! Feeling healthy!  But, what's wrong with the picture?  Aren't I supposed to be becoming more on societies standards?  My goals were to be more productive during the day and to wake up feeling like I do at 2am!  But why?  Isn't part of loving yourself accepting who you are?  I feel fantastic at this hour.  I am at peace.  The world (minus some ambulances) is silent, my head is so clear.  No distractions are near.  It's just a smiling me.  What's wrong with who I am?  Are these goals realistic and something I want for myself?

stopping the self hate, learning how to be my own friend

So after the accidental binge eating fest I tried to go to bed.  I just kept ruminating on how much I hated myself.  Why didn't I stop?  No.  It's just a two letter word, I tell beggers "No" all of the time!  Why can't I say it to food? Why am I so weak?  The self-hating, well self-loathing went on for quite some time.  I felt just awful.  I HATED myself.  Critiques and insults just floated so naturally.  The my friends image floated into my mind.  I would NEVER say these things to her.  I love her and would just tell her tomorrow is a new day. Don't worry.  It's just one day.  I felt better, then I realized I'm in the worlds largest medical center.  My apartment complex literally backs up to the best cancer hospital in the world!  I'm beating myself up over eating while these people 2 minutes away are just praying for another day.  I felt instantaneously foolish.  How petty was I?  How could I say these things to myself?  Shouldn't I talk to myself the way I would talk to my friends, students, or even complete strangers!  I think I really need to learn how to love myself!

How did I get to happy hour? I was looking for Yoga!

so it turns out I'm really good at partying and celebrating.  Drinking and eating out come easy to me.  The lessening or their presence in my life... that's the struggle. Se we went to happy hour.  I had a game plan... 1 drink + 1 appetizer, hang out with friends, re-cooperate from a crazy class at the gym.  Fail!  2 drinks + my appetizer + my boyfriends... not so bad right?  Until my best friend decides she needs Mexican food.  She NEEDs is.  I said I'd go with her for moral support.  what a lie!  The funniest party was that was my true intention, to just go and hang out with her!  So we went to my favorite Mexican place which started with just chips and salsa... the salsa is spicy so I need pepsi!  Before I knew it a huge spread of fajitas were spread across the table! I went to bed loathing myself.

This morning I woke up, did some stuff for class, was still sore from my workout a few days ago.  I felt guilty from last night so I just munched on a handful of special K.  Not good before a 2 hour meeting especially when accompanied by a huge thing of coffee.  I was famished  I could literally feel the caffeine digesting my cereal.  I was going crazy 15 minutes into the meeting.  My stomach turning and churning.  To top it off I'm pmsing.  What was said at the meeting was masked by visions of chicken fingers, fries, and you guessed it! Pepsi!

My boyfriend picked me up after my meeting and we headed straight to chic-a-filet Yum!  We got home to find a package slip in the mail and headed to the apartments main office to pick it up.  Ughhhh a late Christmas present from Hawaii.  4 boxes of Hawaiian Chocolate!  I think I ate a whole box.  Damn you period and chocolate covered mac nuts!

So now I sit here... feeling myself expand.. expand... when will it stop?  I feel like the blueberry girl from willy wonka!  Gross!  To top it off.  I'm making a powerpoint for my class talking about the health benefits of yoga.

I got to thinking I LOVE yoga.  I feel so great after doing it, not like a German sausage!  So why am i stuffing my face instead of doing something I know will make me feel great.  More self hate!

Where's the Love?  I think I'm craving yoga.  Is that possible?

better mornings: Relearning

better mornings: Relearning: My entire life I've heard my mom say things like isn't it great to sleep in? Isn't it nice to just lay in bed and enjoy? Yes... it was gre...

Relearning

My entire life I've heard my mom say things like isn't it great to sleep in?  Isn't it nice to just lay in bed and enjoy?  Yes... it was great for her, but she was working many many hours a day and didn't get to have a full night sleep ofter.  If I don't need to be up to go somewhere I tend to sleep till 11.  Even if I wake up at 7am feeling refreshed.  I see the clock... It's 7 am ...I should enjoy my bed a bit longer and head back to sleep so effortlessly. I wake a few hours feeling like crap.  Over sleeping is just as bad as under sleeping.  You get tired and lazy and crave sleep, even though you had plenty.  I'm setting a short term goal for this week to wake up at 8:15 and at least get out of bed, have a glass of water, and brush my teeth.  If I'm still feeling exhausted  I can go back to sleep.  But I need to work on this!  Oh yes, my new mantra will be... Isn't it a great morning!  Isn't it nice to enjoy the day? 

Moderation

Moderation is a work I need in my vocabulary... I am now aware of this.  I decide to turn my life around and go vegan... If feels amazing!  I feel great eating solely veggies.  My body starts changed. It works great for a few days and then I binge on cookies.  I don't have a beer for a week or 2 and then I have one drink... than 2.. than wake up to the worst hang over ever.  Why do I see the world as so black and white?  Either I'm a vegan today or a fat slob binging on wings and beer?  Now that I'm aware of this how do I work on moderation?