The new year has come and gone and my list of excuses has grown.  Yesterday I went to get some workout videos from friends and accidently started watching cake boss!  Which lead to wanting cake... and getting cake!  I promised myself I would get up at 8 and do Brazilian butt lift :)  That didn't work... the boyfriend and puppy looked so cute sleeping in bed and I climbed back in.  I work up at 10 so mad at myself but realized it's not worth it.  So after breakfast I did the workout and felt much better! I think I'm getting on the right track!

Another year goes by... Have yet to accomplish the goals I have set for better mornings.  Why I ask myself and the excuses flow like a Hawaiian volcano.  Why? Why do I let the power lay in these excuses?  I know that I am the sole creator of my reality.  I can say no tot he fries and yes to the apples.  I can set an alarm and wake up in the morning.  Once again I shall strive for feeling good in the mornings.  To scratch that hangover feeling when the alarm goes off, even when not a drop of alcohol has touched my lips... why does my head pound?  I know that I must take control.  I need a plan and to just stick with it.  I avoid planning at all costs.  Perhaps I have to sit down and make a make a plan and stick with it.

Here goes my goals for 2013:

Keep up with knowing myself

Proposed and defend my comps Spring 2012
Propose and complete my minor Spring 2013
Propose Dissertation Summer 2013
Collect data Fall 2013

Make business cards for stress management consultation
Make website for stress management consultation

Eat more veggies

Love myself

Make choices that I will be happy with in the morning

follow my schedule and to do list

Be the best girlfreind I can be

Whoooo that is it for now :)

Did you ever get the feeling that theres something more?  I'm not sure if it's just the wine talking but I need to get it out.  I'm so sick of this.  I know there's better.  I know I can see better.  How do you see better?  I know it's so common for people just to open their eyes and see clearly.  but what about me?.  why is everything a blur?  I've never felt sorry for my self and I've had a great life, but I know there's better.  I know I can see and there's just a curtain preventing me.  I feel like running away to india and just going on a yoga retreat and just being.  Let go of whatever it is. Find out what it is and let it go.  I'm feeling the need to go vegan and just feeling happy.  Feeling clean... at peace....

Goals and smiley faces

So the semester got started and boy it has been crazy!!!!    I keep slipping up!  I looked in my closet and found a pair of pants I used to consider to be my fattest of the fat pants.  You know the pants I'm talking about.  The ones that when you're bloated and you can literally feel a gallon of water surrounding your midsection, splashing with every step you take, those pants still fit.  Yeah those pants, they fit my thighs!  After 5 minutes of jumping around and doing the jean dance I got them up, my boyfriend almost cried laughing, but I got them up, buttoned is another story.  Anywho, my 7 year anniversary is in 6 weeks.  It's my goal to wear my previous fat pants as my skinny pants as a mark of progress on our date that night!  Try these pants on every day and you think twice about eating one more piece of chocolate!

Also, I made a calendar (just printed from google calendar) for the month, On the days I work out I get a smiley face and no work out days are blank.  It's a suprizingly good motivation to work out.  As I have always been an over achiever, I will do what ever it takes for the smiley face!

The next morning

It's so easy to get caught up in the bewitching time.  Morning came around and I couldn't help but wonder how I feel so amazing and in love with life as I drift off to sleep and awake cursing the day.  Why do I feel the polar opposite of when I put my head on the pillow?  The question is answered (well to my question of if I still want to do this).  Yes!  This is getting crazy!  Health and better mornings... I'm coming for you!

The magic of two am

So it's 2am.  I'm energetic!  Happy! Thinking clearly! Feeling healthy!  But, what's wrong with the picture?  Aren't I supposed to be becoming more on societies standards?  My goals were to be more productive during the day and to wake up feeling like I do at 2am!  But why?  Isn't part of loving yourself accepting who you are?  I feel fantastic at this hour.  I am at peace.  The world (minus some ambulances) is silent, my head is so clear.  No distractions are near.  It's just a smiling me.  What's wrong with who I am?  Are these goals realistic and something I want for myself?

stopping the self hate, learning how to be my own friend

So after the accidental binge eating fest I tried to go to bed.  I just kept ruminating on how much I hated myself.  Why didn't I stop?  No.  It's just a two letter word, I tell beggers "No" all of the time!  Why can't I say it to food? Why am I so weak?  The self-hating, well self-loathing went on for quite some time.  I felt just awful.  I HATED myself.  Critiques and insults just floated so naturally.  The my friends image floated into my mind.  I would NEVER say these things to her.  I love her and would just tell her tomorrow is a new day. Don't worry.  It's just one day.  I felt better, then I realized I'm in the worlds largest medical center.  My apartment complex literally backs up to the best cancer hospital in the world!  I'm beating myself up over eating while these people 2 minutes away are just praying for another day.  I felt instantaneously foolish.  How petty was I?  How could I say these things to myself?  Shouldn't I talk to myself the way I would talk to my friends, students, or even complete strangers!  I think I really need to learn how to love myself!