Friday, January 27, 2012

The next morning

It's so easy to get caught up in the bewitching time.  Morning came around and I couldn't help but wonder how I feel so amazing and in love with life as I drift off to sleep and awake cursing the day.  Why do I feel the polar opposite of when I put my head on the pillow?  The question is answered (well to my question of if I still want to do this).  Yes!  This is getting crazy!  Health and better mornings... I'm coming for you!

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

The magic of two am

So it's 2am.  I'm energetic!  Happy! Thinking clearly! Feeling healthy!  But, what's wrong with the picture?  Aren't I supposed to be becoming more on societies standards?  My goals were to be more productive during the day and to wake up feeling like I do at 2am!  But why?  Isn't part of loving yourself accepting who you are?  I feel fantastic at this hour.  I am at peace.  The world (minus some ambulances) is silent, my head is so clear.  No distractions are near.  It's just a smiling me.  What's wrong with who I am?  Are these goals realistic and something I want for myself?

Saturday, January 21, 2012

stopping the self hate, learning how to be my own friend

So after the accidental binge eating fest I tried to go to bed.  I just kept ruminating on how much I hated myself.  Why didn't I stop?  No.  It's just a two letter word, I tell beggers "No" all of the time!  Why can't I say it to food? Why am I so weak?  The self-hating, well self-loathing went on for quite some time.  I felt just awful.  I HATED myself.  Critiques and insults just floated so naturally.  The my friends image floated into my mind.  I would NEVER say these things to her.  I love her and would just tell her tomorrow is a new day. Don't worry.  It's just one day.  I felt better, then I realized I'm in the worlds largest medical center.  My apartment complex literally backs up to the best cancer hospital in the world!  I'm beating myself up over eating while these people 2 minutes away are just praying for another day.  I felt instantaneously foolish.  How petty was I?  How could I say these things to myself?  Shouldn't I talk to myself the way I would talk to my friends, students, or even complete strangers!  I think I really need to learn how to love myself!

Friday, January 20, 2012

How did I get to happy hour? I was looking for Yoga!

so it turns out I'm really good at partying and celebrating.  Drinking and eating out come easy to me.  The lessening or their presence in my life... that's the struggle. Se we went to happy hour.  I had a game plan... 1 drink + 1 appetizer, hang out with friends, re-cooperate from a crazy class at the gym.  Fail!  2 drinks + my appetizer + my boyfriends... not so bad right?  Until my best friend decides she needs Mexican food.  She NEEDs is.  I said I'd go with her for moral support.  what a lie!  The funniest party was that was my true intention, to just go and hang out with her!  So we went to my favorite Mexican place which started with just chips and salsa... the salsa is spicy so I need pepsi!  Before I knew it a huge spread of fajitas were spread across the table! I went to bed loathing myself.

This morning I woke up, did some stuff for class, was still sore from my workout a few days ago.  I felt guilty from last night so I just munched on a handful of special K.  Not good before a 2 hour meeting especially when accompanied by a huge thing of coffee.  I was famished  I could literally feel the caffeine digesting my cereal.  I was going crazy 15 minutes into the meeting.  My stomach turning and churning.  To top it off I'm pmsing.  What was said at the meeting was masked by visions of chicken fingers, fries, and you guessed it! Pepsi!

My boyfriend picked me up after my meeting and we headed straight to chic-a-filet Yum!  We got home to find a package slip in the mail and headed to the apartments main office to pick it up.  Ughhhh a late Christmas present from Hawaii.  4 boxes of Hawaiian Chocolate!  I think I ate a whole box.  Damn you period and chocolate covered mac nuts!

So now I sit here... feeling myself expand.. expand... when will it stop?  I feel like the blueberry girl from willy wonka!  Gross!  To top it off.  I'm making a powerpoint for my class talking about the health benefits of yoga.

I got to thinking I LOVE yoga.  I feel so great after doing it, not like a German sausage!  So why am i stuffing my face instead of doing something I know will make me feel great.  More self hate!

Where's the Love?  I think I'm craving yoga.  Is that possible?

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

better mornings: Relearning

better mornings: Relearning: My entire life I've heard my mom say things like isn't it great to sleep in? Isn't it nice to just lay in bed and enjoy? Yes... it was gre...

Monday, January 16, 2012

Relearning

My entire life I've heard my mom say things like isn't it great to sleep in?  Isn't it nice to just lay in bed and enjoy?  Yes... it was great for her, but she was working many many hours a day and didn't get to have a full night sleep ofter.  If I don't need to be up to go somewhere I tend to sleep till 11.  Even if I wake up at 7am feeling refreshed.  I see the clock... It's 7 am ...I should enjoy my bed a bit longer and head back to sleep so effortlessly. I wake a few hours feeling like crap.  Over sleeping is just as bad as under sleeping.  You get tired and lazy and crave sleep, even though you had plenty.  I'm setting a short term goal for this week to wake up at 8:15 and at least get out of bed, have a glass of water, and brush my teeth.  If I'm still feeling exhausted  I can go back to sleep.  But I need to work on this!  Oh yes, my new mantra will be... Isn't it a great morning!  Isn't it nice to enjoy the day? 

Moderation

Moderation is a work I need in my vocabulary... I am now aware of this.  I decide to turn my life around and go vegan... If feels amazing!  I feel great eating solely veggies.  My body starts changed. It works great for a few days and then I binge on cookies.  I don't have a beer for a week or 2 and then I have one drink... than 2.. than wake up to the worst hang over ever.  Why do I see the world as so black and white?  Either I'm a vegan today or a fat slob binging on wings and beer?  Now that I'm aware of this how do I work on moderation? 

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Week 1 complete!!!

Whooo! I made it though one entire week! In retrospect it wasn't really bad.  I've felt great working out have actually found a way to make spinach yummy! drenched in lime juice!  So can I get a drum roll please.... I lost 5 pounds!!!! In one week! Pretty sure it's due to my body being in shock! I think most of the weight is from water retention loss, but still seeing the scale move so much, well like 2 kg's.  Is major!  I am ready to tackle the next week! Once again, waste line you are going down!

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

why do mornings still suck?

I eyes creeped open this morning.  My head was already pounding.  Ughhh it's morning! not again:( It feels like I drank a fifth of cheap vodka last night.  Why does my mouth feel like sandpaper?  Quick scan of last night, are chicken and peppers for dinner, went to the gym for yoga and sauna, drank 2 bottles of water, took a shower, went to bed.  No remembrance of drinking.  So why do I feel so hung over?  I feel like all I do is drink water! Maybe my kidneys are still getting used to the new water flow?  I'm not sure, whatever it is, my mornings still suck!  Hopefully tomorrow will be better!

Monday, January 9, 2012

Where do the healthy ones hangout?

To avoid falling into old traps I wanted to try something different.  After some pondering of what is a healthy activities that I like to do.  I thought of swimming or surfing from my days in Hawaii or snowboarding from my trips to Colorado.  These are just not logical for Houston.   After some more contemplation it dawned on me that all I really do in Houston is sit in front of the computer reading, and enjoy the amazing food scene here.  This is a recipe for disaster!  What could I throw in the mix to spice up life for this new me?  Hrmm? I always like buying random things at a farmers market on my travels/ trying the new foods.  Maybe I should find one in Houston.  So I talked my boyfriend into going!  I had such high hopes, fresh made multi grain bread, all kinds of hippie home made foods, fruits and veggies galore! But this was not the case :( I think every stand had lettuce and tomatoes.  Really?  That's hardly worth getting out of bed for.  Don't get me wrong, I love tomatoes, but my fridge is full of them.   The food stands were all Mexican, which is delicious, but I think Mexican food played a major role in getting me into this mess!  I tried to escape the smell of the enchiladas or tamales, whatever they were.  My escape route had one major flaw... it drove me right into the arms of an organic chocolate venue.  With one glance Mr. Chocolate knew he had me.  He offered me a sliver of dark chocolate flavored with coffee.  Are you kidding me dark chocolate and coffee? It's like me made it especially for me!  My brain was screaming NOOOO but of course I accepted the offer with a smile.  Hands down, it was the best chocolate I've every had, and I'm  a chocolate snob!  It beat Godiva, any chocolate I had in Switzerland or Germany.  We bought 3 boxes.  ughhh so in my tries for other healthy activities I ended up with 3 boxes of chocolate.   New ideas are needed!

Saturday, January 7, 2012

Unforeseen Hurdles

So I thought my social support system would be just that... support! Once again, wrong!

My best friend is going through some issues, totaled car, redrafting her thesis, and we didn't see each other for like 5 days so we needed to catch up! So I went car shopping and it just wasn't enough time to catch up so I suggested going to the gym and hitting the treadmill, but she really needed a beer.  I tried so hard to ignore the beckoning call of my foamy golden love, but my efforts were in vein, before I knew it a magical liter was at home in my hand.  Day 1... epic fail!


Day 2 was going great, thinking people were on my side... that is at least until I went to bed.  My boyfriend insisted on playing with his i pad filling the room with an eerie blue glow and random taps similar to Chinese water torture.  I convinced him to put it down, just when I thought we could finally sleep he decides he isn't tired and steals my pillow.  After about an hour of pure torture I finally fell asleep, but awoke more stressed out then when I fell asleep.  I'm chalking that up to my pre-slumber annoyance.

Day 3 once again awoke annoyed, but my to do list was pretty long so I got out of bed and started to tackle it, the day was going pretty healthy until the phone rang... It was an invite to and Indian food buffet...  my arch nemesis! oh the deliciousness of curry, words I can't spell, and naan!  All the spicy goodness I so love washed down with a gallon of Pepsi!  I wasn't even hungry, but the mere thought and my stomach was over-joyed to make room.  I realized what was happening and dishearteningly rejected the invitation.  Once the phone was hung up I realized what I did! Whooooo! I had will power, even for a brief moment.  I had an apple for a snack and was happy!  My boyfriend had to run an errand so I went with him.  Just when I thought I could handle being with people he pulled into a bakery he's been wanting to try.  Omg it smelt heavenly! A wonderful sweet aroma greeted us in the parking lot and hurried us inside.  I resisted the cupcakes and the cookies even though they were singing siren  songs.  I  was staying out of it, like the cowardly lion watching a fight until my sweetest cord was struck.  Death by Chocolate.  Chocolate layered upon chocolate layered upon chocolate... this was heaven and my boyfriend showed his red devil horns and layed the temptation on as thick as the cupcake was frosted.  I caved. Once again my so called support system was my downfall... I need to devise a better plan to survive these my adipose and poor sleep habbit supporters!

Friday, January 6, 2012

realtiy part 2

Ouch! Zumba looks like a Latin party on TV!  Thought it would be a great class full of fun, the hour would just fly by! Wrong! Some how I managed to not do a single move right and the instructor kept coming over to me in his skin tight pants, (material unknown but it sure hugged every curve!) and showing me how to move my hips! So embarrassing! I guess all those years on cheerleading ingrained tight movement and loose moves just feel so wrong.  Flashbacks to drill Sargent coaches ... loose moves drop down and give me 20! So despite the instructors best efforts I looked like a fool for an hour (after the first 10 minutes I stopped caring about the hip swings and just had fun with it though!) and  managed to hurt myself! I did everything I could I warmed up for 15 minutes, stretched, cooled down by walking home, and relaxed in an Epson salt bath.  List of battle scars ~ elbow! no idea how I did that~ calf~ and thighs.  Anyway I think my legs got replaced by tight rubber bands and are threatening to snap with every step I take.  Damn you lactic acid! 

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Reality :(

So I had an amazing break filled with family, friend, food, and booze! Complete gluttony! You name it I ate it and enjoyed every bite of pizza, cheesesteak, cake, cookies, and washed it all down with a healthy helping of Pepsi and beer! Yum!

But, now I'm back and dealing with the not so tasty consequences! I stepped on the scale this morning and it was the highest ever! (I'm not quite sure how I got a scale in Kilograms living in Texas, but I managed.) I was a shocking 78.7kg or 173.5lbs! Eeeeek!  So my reasonable goal is to loose 1kg (2.2lbs) a week!

I thought I started off well this morning, went the healthy route of turkey bacon, eggs, and oj! I went to http://www.mypyramidtracker.gov which is a website to track your calories and overall nutritional intake and somehow I reach 700 calories by 1.  Actually now that I am typing it out it's really not that bad considering that I want to get to 1600 calories a day and work the other 500 calories off daily!

Another thing I learned over this break is how important a good bed/pillow is!  A crappy pillow just throws me off of alignment and makes me soar all day! So first stop was to buy new pillows to insure a great night sleep!  I tried all the pillows at target, my boyfriend thought security was going to kick out us, but I got 2 phenomenal cloud like ones that carried me off to dreamland with ease. 

I have to admit this was a pretty decent morning, for the first time in a while I awoke without any neck/back pains! whoo!

Now off to the gym for zumba!